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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29024523">Turn of the Kaleidoscope</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/matan4il/pseuds/matan4il'>matan4il</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Caring Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Eddie Diaz Takes Care of Evan "Buck" Buckley, Eddie Diaz is a Good Dad, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz First Kiss, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Smut, Getting Together, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn with Feelings, Shower Sex, Smut, and Buck loves it, cute little Madney moment</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 03:24:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,303</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29024523</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/matan4il/pseuds/matan4il</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>He has never said as much, but he felt his heart being stolen right out of his chest as he watched Eddie hugging Christopher after the earthquake. And maybe Buck tried to grab that traitor and wrestle it back into its place, but then he saw the joy on both faces and not only was the battle lost, he didn't feel much like fighting anymore either.</i>
</p><p>
Prompt fill. Eddie Diaz is a good dad and Buck discovers that does all sorts of things to him; smut.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>441</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Turn of the Kaleidoscope</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paramedic_TK/gifts">Paramedic_TK</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/nilshki/gifts">nilshki</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Dedicated to the wonderful <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/iambeckyz/profile">Becky</a>, thank you so much for trusting me with this prompt, hon! (and for being the first person to call me 'Queen of Smut'... I may not deserve that, but I love it!) *big hugs* And also to the incredible <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/nilshki/pseuds/nilshki">Nilshki</a>, because I wanted to be able to post some smut for you on your birthday! Have a great day, darling! &lt;33333</p><p>
Thank you as always to the amazing <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToughPaperRound/pseuds/ToughPaperRound">Toughpaperround</a>. You're such a great friend and such an outstanding beta, you deserve all the love! xoxoxox</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eddie's beauty is a kaleidoscope to Buck, so many things about it are captivating, but even as the colors and shapes spin around, there's one aspect that outshines all the rest. He has never said as much, but he felt his heart being stolen right out of his chest as he watched Eddie hugging Christopher after the earthquake. And maybe Buck tried to grab that traitor and wrestle it back into its place, but then he saw the joy on both faces and not only was the battle lost, he didn't feel much like fighting anymore either.</p><p>It wasn't the last time he marveled at Eddie's skills as a dad. Every time the three of them are in the same space, whether there are other people around or not, Buck is left in awe. The way Eddie listens to Chris is spectacular, with patience, as well as with real interest and enjoyment. The care he takes in considering what challenges his son might encounter is heart-expanding. His willingness to step back and give Christopher his independence when he needs it, while still being there for him if needed and making sure the boy always carries that certainty with him wherever he goes. It all grips Buck by a part of him that he didn't know existed and makes him burn with desire for a thing he'd never before so much as considered.</p><p>Honestly, he's afraid it's perverted. Who gets turned on by witnessing someone being a good father? It's unheard of. Worse, whenever he tries to delve a little into why he might be, images of his dad come up. Phillip Buckley wasn't an abusive or neglectful father, he probably thought he was doing a good job parenting his son. But the constant criticism and disappointment in Buck throughout his childhood and teenage years had eroded his sense of self-worth. When he got no palpable love from his parents, when his big sister left and severed her ties to them, he became convinced he wasn't deserving of any. Sex was close enough. People liked him, it might have been only for his body, but it was better than not at all. He learned to please them and find pride in his abilities and that helped him accept whatever they would give him for an hour or so, an illusion, then move on. When Abby came along precisely while he was trying to break his pattern, he thought she might be proof that he deserved better. </p><p>And then she left.</p><p>Did all that translate into something unspeakable? Looking at his best friend and finding sexual gratification there when he wasn't supposed to, simply because the man was the good father that Buck didn't have? Guilt ate away at him every time he washed his semen from his hand down the shower drain after another wonderful day with his favorite guys.</p><p>At least, it did. Until that afternoon he spent with Maddie going shopping together to send their dad a birthday present in lieu of an actual visit. Nowadays, their father is fine to deal with... from a considerable distance, so this is a small price to pay for avoiding a family get together.</p><p>Buck and Maddie spent several hours at the mall, somewhere between exasperated over buying a gift for a man that by now, they were barely familiar with, and amused by some of the things they were encountering and laughing about. Before they were going to say goodbye, Chimney came to meet them to give Maddie a ride to her doctor's appointment. He spotted them from across the fast food court, waved a hand and started heading towards them. On his way, he ran into a little boy. Instead of simply bypassing him, Chim leaned down, exchanged a few words and a smile with the kid, then patted him on the head and continued.</p><p>"He's going to be such a good dad," Maddie said with a huge grin, but what Buck noticed is that she ended that statement with a small bite to her lower lip. And her gaze was shrouded with something that made him, as her younger brother, scrunch up his face in revulsion.</p><p>He put it out of his mind at first, but it did come back to him once they parted ways and he was left on his own. What he had witnessed, that was lust, wasn't it? And while he didn't like to think about it too much when it came to his sister and his colleague, who's also one of his best friends (she might be pregnant, but Buck was happy to pretend it was the stork that would make him an uncle), it didn't strike him as wrong either. In fact, it was a part of how he was sure that Maddie had finally found her happiness. Which she deserves so much, after the trying years at home, with their difficult parents, and the even rougher years with Doug.</p><p>But if she deserves to enjoy this guiltless, and she does, why shouldn't Buck?</p><p>He awkwardly staggered to one of the nearby benches, sat down and tried to collect his thoughts, but quickly got lost in a bit of a daydream. About Eddie, of course. About the things Buck still couldn't say. The fantasies that were running wild in his head and he was going to stop beating himself up for from that moment on. He let it all loose in his imagination, everything coursing through his veins - dark red, intense and stormy - whenever he sees Eddie being such a good father to Chris. Buck guessed his face was getting the same look his sister had on, the one that would mean he had found the person he would want to go through the journey of parenthood with. He sunk back a little on the bench as he bit into his lower lip, much like Maddie did, maybe even more than her. He was biting to nearly the point of pain.</p><p>When it got uncomfortable sitting on that bench, he took it as his cue that he had been out there for too long and it was time to go home. He stood up slowly, wondering if this new acceptance of his desire would be enough to get these emotions for his best friend out of his system, to move on. He hoped so. It wasn't that he was scared they might ruin what they had. It's that he didn't even want to test the best thing that has happened to him, this small family unit that he fit into perfectly and naturally, for once in his life.</p><p>He found out the answer to his question pretty quickly. His feelings for Eddie didn't dissolve away any more than the name that Buck moaned at night, into the pillow, changed. Because that was still the best man he's ever known, in addition to the sexiest and most confident when dealing with Christopher, quite often with a glint of amusement at the corner of Eddie's eyes that he doesn't try to hide. Buck would bite into the pillowcase, spill into his hand and swear to himself that since it's not going away, and since he has accepted this part of his attraction, then this nightly ritual would have to suffice.</p><p>It gets a little trickier after, on certain nights, Buck is told he'll be sleeping over at Eddie's. It's not even an invitation or a request. "You're tired, man. Look at you yawn. Come on, how many car crashes have we been called to that started with people ignoring this level of exhaustion? You're staying over. Don't worry, your loft will still be there in the morning."</p><p>'Sweet,' Buck thought to himself the first time this happened and smiled at Eddie's unwavering care. This, this right here is the side of him that's such a good dad to Chris and it's freaking hot to be the subject of such attention. 'Damn,' Buck worried once he realized that he'll have to fight himself to avoid masturbating to sleep, as has become his custom, in the home of the subject of his fantasies. 'Fuck,' he cursed when it hit him, witnessing Christopher's bedtime routine, how wonderful Eddie is throughout it and how hot under the collar it makes Buck. Self acceptance regarding being turned on by this or not, Buck still ended up wishing he had found a way to refuse Eddie's decision.</p><p>He was offered the couch for the night and thankfully, as he lay there, on the clean sheets that had Eddie's smell, Buck was drained enough that he hovered closer to sleep than to wakefulness and his fantasy was a sweet lullaby rather than an urgent itch that tormented him with the need to be scratched. Eddie's eyes on Buck, smiling and lavishing on him the same degree of warmth, the same intense focus that he had shown that evening, though not of the same kind. It had a different edge to it, like a beautiful picture that was tilted just slightly to the side, but it made for a completely different impression and Buck dove into dreams entrenched in the thought of Eddie's calloused and attentive hand on his dick.</p><p>Two or three times a week has become their routine for sleepovers and Buck isn't complaining, especially not since the night he broke and satisfied himself into his palm on the couch, regardless of whose house he was in. Chris had returned upset from school, having flunked a science exam on a subject he was having difficulty grasping. The way Eddie spoke to him tugged at every single one of Buck's heartstrings. It was earnest and sympathetic, straightforward and supportive all at once. It offered Christopher affirmation that everyone struggles with some stuff and that's natural, not an unacceptable failure, along with an admonition that there was no magical solution other than hard work, but there was also the promise that they would do it together, that from now on even on days when Eddie had a shift, he would make sure to call and they would go through this material together over the phone. The entire time, he never took his hand off his son's shoulder, a reassuring sign of affection and reminder that he truly was there. It was also incredible to see the effects of this talk, how attentively Chris listened to his father, how much those words clearly meant to him when they visibly helped lift the dark clouds from his shoulders.</p><p>Usually, he was such a great kid that Buck didn't witness many instances of hardship or failure, sadness or anger on Christopher's part. Their talk on top of the fire truck during the tsunami always came to mind. That boy had some internal source of light that kept him easily swimming. Most of the time, if there were any issues, Buck would hear about them later from Eddie, he wouldn't be there to witness them himself. So it meant a lot to him, to be allowed in on this scene. He found it touching, the balance in the conversation between making sure that Chris was alright on the one hand and that he wouldn't back down from the challenge on the other. It warmed Buck's heart, to see that touch between father and son as a physical extension of the bond of love they shared. And it flushed his cheeks when, after having brushed his teeth, Eddie placed a palm, warm and weighty, on his shoulder, held his gaze for a long moment, before patting it and wishing him good night. It was so inexplicably intense. Maybe, just maybe, because Buck isn't Eddie's family, not like Chris, but everything about these evenings tells him he's been transformed into the closest thing he can be to that.</p><p>So he breaks. On the living room couch, controlling his pants as much as is humanly possible, biting Eddie's name into the pillowcase for fear of moaning it out loud. When Buck comes stutteringly, his heartbeat is as loud as drums of war in his ears. But then the noise subsides to give no indication he's been heard. The house is almost fully quiet other than the usual sounds, like the hum of the fridge from the kitchen or one of the stray cats outside, meowing its disappointments at the moon. Buck feels like an antiques thief who's just lifted the Declaration of Independence right from under the tightest security imaginable and has gotten away with it. Sleep is easy after that and swift in a way it should always be.</p><p>After that, masturbating on Eddie's couch, between his sheets, where there's always some small piece of him lingering in one way or another, becomes a habit that's impossible to break. Not that Buck is sure he tried to resist the temptation much after that first time. It's a victimless crime, so where's the harm? Give or take his own heart, maybe. But that rebellious bastard is why Buck's in this conundrum to begin with, so it's breaking itself, really. And fuck caution or propriety. He's just trying to get through this crush one sleepover at a time.</p><p>It's become such a meaningless routine that none of this is on Buck's mind as he's making his way back home, to Eddie's house, from the grocery store. He only meant to pop over for a quarter of an hour at most, pick up some fruit, milk along with Christopher's favorite brand of cereals. He doesn't expect the scene he comes across when he passes by a construction site.</p><p>A few young teenagers are running about, some are carrying leftover chunks of wooden planks they've found around the site to a bonfire the others are standing by. One look is enough to tell Buck that there are no protective measures taken, no circle of stones around the fire to prevent it from spreading, no means to put it out if it does.

</p>
<p>"Hey!" he yells and with an instinctive sprint, it only takes him two minutes to get to the fire. "You could get yourself hurt!"

</p>
<p>"What the hell?" Eddie blurts out when Buck shows up half an hour late, covered in sand, grime and the smell of smoke, the groceries he was meant to have picked up completely forgotten. "What were you thinking, tackling that fire by yourself? You could have gotten yourself killed."

</p>
<p>Buck doesn't mean to wave his hand dismissively, only to turn Eddie's attention to the dining table. Chris is sitting by it, textbook open, doing his homework. Or he did. He's dropped all pretense that he's not listening to his dad's angry reproach.

</p>
<p>"Don't worry, buddy, it was fully under control, I wouldn't have been hurt," Buck reassures him past Eddie's shoulder. Chris draws his lower lip in. He looks so worried, when he's already been through more than any kid should have. "I promise, your dad is talking about the procedure, I should have called 911 first, before doing anything. He's right about that." Buck momentarily glances in Eddie's direction, before he focuses on Christopher again. "You're right. And I would have, except it was honestly such a small fire, it was easy to get it under control on my own, using the sand there, and if I had waited, it would have spread by the time anyone else would have gotten there. The odds of someone getting hurt from that would go up. So I promise you, I wasn't for a second risking coming back safe to you, okay?"</p><p>But that's when Buck sees it, turning his attention back to Eddie. That gaze in his eyes. It's so familiar. It's hard to place it at first, until it comes slamming in. The dilated pupils. That touch of softness around the corners. That slight smile. The faintest hint of arousal where the lips begin to curve and when Eddie's breath is just this side of faster. He's a little turned on by watching Buck act with parental care and concern over Chris.</p><p>And that is honestly breathtaking and almost too much, because what were the chances they'd be mirroring each other with this particular turn on? </p><p>But then again, the longer he thinks about it, the more it makes sense. They've been weirdly in sync ever since they met. Even when there was friction between them, it came from each one being overly interested in the other. Oh yes, Eddie confessed one evening into his beer that, on that first shift of his, at the gym, he had been talking lighting and angles for the firefighters calendar photos in an attempt to strike up a friendship. "Don't know what I was thinking," he breathed out and gulped down his alcohol. </p><p>"Hey, little Superman," he turns to his son, "I think Buck here needs some cleaning up. You okay to go in your room and do your homework there while I help him?"</p><p>"I can help, too!"</p><p>"You always do." Eddie says it with the gentlest of tones, running his fingers through the top of Christopher's curls. How could anyone resist him like this? "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that me raising my concerns with Buck was upsetting you."</p><p>"I want him safe, too. Can I..." Chris' already quiet voice drops even lower. "Can I have a kiss?"</p><p>Two voices reply immediately, as if it was evident to each of the men that he was the one being addressed. It's a mixture of 'yes' and 'awww' and 'of course', and even though they didn't coordinate it, somehow their tones and words combine harmoniously. When they look at each other and smile, it's clear neither one of them feels he was mistaken with his initial reaction. They lean in on opposite sides and each kisses one of Christopher's cheeks.</p><p>"I love you, mijo," Eddie says.</p><p>"So do I, Chris," Buck adds. The way they smile at each other, he knows they would have hugged if he weren't still covered in dirt.</p><p>"Now, your homework awaits."</p><p>Christopher takes his textbook, pencil and eraser, heading to his room. It's one of those moments when he's around the house and decides to leave his crutches aside, using his arms and elbows for balance. Short distances, safe and familiar terrain and it gives him a sense of capability. As they watch him go, Eddie's hand comes from behind Buck and lands solidly on his hip. "Your turn," comes the decisive announcement. "To the shower." </p><p>Eddie grips at the other hip as well and uses his perch to steer them both in the right direction, his touch hotter than the fire Buck had just put out a short while ago. He recalls other times when he was similarly grabbed, at parties, during reunions after they haven't met for a while, at the end of hugs that seemed to linger... Buck always wanted to lean into it, so he did the only reasonable thing, he'd try to pull away. He was never too successful, but he wrote it down to Eddie being friendly and not understanding why this contact was hard on Buck. This time, though... </p><p>"Eddie..." Buck's practically begging. He can't be trapped like this between his rising desire and the possibility that he'll screw everything up by getting it wrong.</p><p>"Shhh..." It's a warm tickle and a low whisper in his ear, so much closer than he would have expected. "Let me take care of you."</p><p>Buck closes his eyes and inhales. He's not misreading things. Eddie's voice is laced with seductive want. His fingers are tight and firm, almost implausibly larger than the waist they're holding and it's alright now to sink into that. It's allowed. Even encouraged, if the small squeeze at the entrance to the shower is anything to go by. </p><p>Buck should speak up or respond in some way, but his mind is drained of words, which is how he comes to simply part his lips and gasp. For once, not holding back or trying to control himself, not fearing that Eddie will guess his thoughts. Welcoming it.</p><p>"You," Eddie picks up again, brushing his lips back and forth against the sensitive spot right above the junction of Buck's shoulder and nape, "are not very subtle. Do you play them out a lot in your head, scenes of me taking over and seeing to your every need? Is that what you get off to, out there on my couch?" He gives a small faux bite. "Even with a pillow, you're not that quiet. But that's okay. I fucking love hearing you come."</p><p>Buck groans and tilts his head back, too weak suddenly to carry that weight. Eddie's lips latch on and suck at the side of his Adam's apple, then let go and lick a line in sync with its bobbing as Buck struggles to swallow. The glass shower door is to his right and he reaches out to hold on against it, because the coolness of its surface might ground him and stop him from collapsing.</p><p>"You can if you need to." Eddie's reading him all too well. "Let go."</p><p>"If you're sure," Buck replies.</p><p>"One hundred percent."</p><p>And he knows that a stranger might not get it, but he hears this exchange for what it is, a confession of love, of how fiercely Eddie feels it for Buck, treating him with the same kind of devotion and care formerly reserved only for Christopher.</p><p>Which inevitably leads to its reciprocation. Through trust. Through the willingness to own up to those things people usually don't, that they would hide and be embarrassed about... what turns them on and when and what they do about it. But fuck it, Eddie has figured those things out anyway and in return, Buck is ready to give the gift of owning them up, of abandoning denial and pretense. He can do this and it'll be his variation of a love confession. He'll be vulnerable for Eddie. And real.</p><p>Buck opens his eyes, his head is still leaning back and it's only natural to turn it and look at Eddie from inches apart, at the attentiveness of his gaze, the deep warmth of it... to confess. "I've been thinking about you for months, jacking off when it's too much, like whenever I see you being such a great dad. When you're bandaging Christopher's scraped knee, or go along with it when he makes fun of you, or do your best to learn some new skill to make his life better. It's the hottest thing, when I look at you and I see what could be our future. When I stare at your hands and want them on me. When all I can focus on is what it would be like for us to kiss..."</p><p>Eddie's fingernails dig into Buck's waist, as if driven by some impulse that can't be controlled, and their lips are impossibly close when the last word spoken hangs between them, leaving the air itself loaded. There's no doubt over what's about to happen, but one of them is going to have to initiate it. Neither one moves.</p><p>"I see what we could be, what we could have, too." Eddie admits quietly and Buck gives in, letting go of the glass and turning. The hold on his hips loosens for him to move around and settles right back as soon as he comes to a stop, grasping at the back of Eddie's nape and bringing their mouths brushing against each other. </p><p>It's nothing like Buck would have expected. The lips' softness is greater than he anticipated, but at the same time it's contrasted by the scratch of Eddie's stubble and for some odd reason, that makes it all the sexier. Everything strangely fits, the softness with how this man is with Chris, the stubble with how tough he has had to be for his son. Buck remembers every moment during which he had listened to the amount of love and concern with which Eddie spoke to and about Christopher and realizes how deeply he had fallen for this man from the start. He tightens his grip and presses in with his shoulders and arms as well as his mouth.</p><p>The growing pressure is echoed on Buck's hips and it makes him lightheaded, to think of Eddie's hands holding him at that narrowest part of his body like it's nothing. He moans and that's parting his lips, a silent invitation for more, because he needs it, they both do, they've been parched for so long and now they get to drink.</p><p>Eddie dives right in, chasing everything that is being offered, and his grip changes angle, pushes, it takes a second or two for it to register, but then Buck takes the hint and he moves precisely how he's being directed to, neither one of them ever breaking the kiss. Why would they until they absolutely had to? </p><p>It gives Eddie access to reach the shower door and open it. He fumbles a little bit, but they're both obviously loath to stop, so he somehow succeeds in maneuvering it without having to look. He kicks off his sneakers and shoves off his socks along with them, prompting Buck to follow suit, before Eddie drags them both inside and turns the spray on, while they're still wearing the rest of their clothes.</p><p>Buck has to laugh as the water hits him, forcing them apart. "The washing machine's broken?"</p><p>"Shut up," Eddie runs a hand against Buck's t-shirt, which is pretty wet already and clinging to his skin, the friction sending pleasant tiny shocks throughout his body. "And let me take care of you."</p><p>Their mouths find each other again under the stream, hungry and consuming each other with a renewed passion as the doubts of the past, along with the dirt of the day are being washed down the drain. The water runs down their faces as they kiss, tingling and playful, its course changing each time their angle does.</p><p>Buck's skin is a weird mixture of external coolness as the droplets flow across it and internal heat, rising as Eddie's tongue explores deeper into his mouth and their hands come up to grab at each other's clothes. There's a certain calmness that comes over Buck, belying the frenzy of their actions, because he's sure now. They connected in a lot of small, different ways, but from the moment he saw Christopher after the earthquake, being hugged like nothing else in the world mattered or even existed, it's been Eddie. It can't be anyone else anymore.</p><p>He kisses like everything else that he does, with his whole heart, plunging in, fingers extending to grab as much flesh as they can and to bring them closer and even closer together. They travel down Buck's torso until they begin to sneak their way underneath his now soaking shirt and to separate it from his skin as they take its place. </p><p>"Let me," Eddie releases his mouth to tickle his skin with this request and Buck raises his arms and watches as he lets himself be undressed. It's slow and weirdly sensual, the peeling of one layer after another when they put up a fight, trying to cling to him, but Eddie persists, gentle and firm, t-shirt first, then pants and lastly the boxer briefs, his hands ghosting over the globes of Buck's ass and the sides of his legs. They're close, but not there, admiring, but not committing. He's tempted to push himself at them, but it probably wouldn't get him his desired result.</p><p>"Not fair," he mumbles, when Eddie is finally done, but is still fully clothed himself. To make the point, Buck lightly tugs at the pants left as a barrier between them.</p><p>Eddie comes closer and reverently touches one finger to the edge of Buck's shoulder, then plants a soft kiss on the other. Like bookends of love. Filling the small space of the shower, together with the cloud of warmth rising from the water.</p><p>Eddie reaches for the soap, gets some between his palms and rubs them against each other until there's foam. "I'll be doing all the work now, so I don't think you get to complain," he says. </p><p>Buck leans back against the shower wall in an attempt to downplay how weak the whole situation is making him. Eddie follows, leaning in and starting to lather him, inch by inch, and it's too good already, not only because the sensation is great, but also because Eddie is being far more tender than Buck believes he deserves. He wants to melt into this man's touch. To cry, to stop holding back and simply to sob because of every person who has made him feel small and unworthy. He can want that, because at this moment he's sure that Eddie wouldn't agree with those people. That he would let Buck fall apart in his arms, think no less of him for it and then help put him back together again. He's absolutely convinced that Eddie would love him even when he himself doesn't quite like himself. The hands gliding down his arms, up his abs, around his neck, shampooing through his hair and massaging his scalp attentively, lingering on the back of his fingers and slipping between them thoroughly, make him certain. It's a physical manifestation of love and Buck leans more of his weight back into the wall and soaks it all up, reveling in how sensitive he is to every finger fluttering across his body because it's Eddie's.</p><p>Who's retreating suddenly and the sense of bereavement that overtakes Buck momentarily is impossible to control, until he starts to more fully register that this is good. It is, because Eddie is giving him a full on show of stripping his own clothes off, eyeing Buck with deliberation the whole time, as he removes each subsequent article of clothing and then discards it on the floor right outside the shower.</p><p>Buck is expecting some sort of a pounce with how hungry Eddie looks. Instead, he's pulled in for a hug. He's held. The water keeps falling, like some weird measure of time that has lost all meaning. He wraps his arms tighter around Eddie, engulfed by the smell of his soap as more is lathered down Buck's back now, scrubbed along the sides of his torso, massaged into the top of his ass.</p><p>He slants his head and kisses the base of Eddie's neck, guessing what's coming next. Buck stands just a tiny bit wider, ready for it, and groans as one finger breaches him. The foam bubbles wash over their point of fusion as Eddie's digit pulls out a little only to push back in, going further than before. He sets a pace, undemanding and consistent at once. </p><p>"Eddie..." Buck whimpers. So far, he's not even paid attention to his own erection, he's been too wired up everywhere, but with this assault on his senses, it's become painfully hard and impossible to ignore. Almost literally jabbing into Eddie's thigh.</p><p>"What do you need from me? You can tell me."</p><p>"It's not going to disappear, is it? I'm not going to discover I've dreamed all this on your living room couch?"</p><p>Eddie chuckles and kisses him feral, plunging a second finger in at the same time.  </p><p>"Feels nothing like a dream, right? This is real," he says when he eventually breaks the kiss.</p><p>"Yeah," Buck agrees and, slipping his hands around Eddie's neck and pushing back onto his fingers, adds, "so give me more. Fuck me. Make me feel it for days, until I can't doubt this."</p><p>"Right here?"</p><p>"Yep," Buck replies with conviction. "If you're worried about a condom, I haven't been with anyone in months since I last got tested. It's the same for you, right?"</p><p>The way Eddie looks back at him, the smile that forms on his lips, a mixture of joy and awe, almost like he's love-drunk with how well they know and trust each other, and so incredibly happy that he gets to hear what Buck needs and give that to him, that's something that no subconscious mind could make up. </p><p>Eddie withdraws his fingers, searches the hanging shower shelf for a small vial of essential oil, the kind used for massaging aching muscles. "This okay?" he asks and Buck wants to choke on how okay it is, all of it, that Eddie cares enough about him to even stop and check. He can't recall a single similar instance with any other partner and it leaves him speechless. He nods, because that's the only form of communication left to him and tries not to shiver when Eddie entangles their fingers, pours the oil in and places their intertwined hands on his dick. "You decide when it's enough," he says and Buck gets it. He doesn't need them to do too much lubing, he's already all kinds of wet and open, waiting. A few strokes and some kissing strike him as enough. He tears himself away and starts turning around, intending to face the wall. Maybe hide some of the emotions flooding him. </p><p>But Eddie stops him. "Let me take care of that, too."</p><p>Which doesn't quite make sense, they're in a shower, there aren't a lot of positions two guys can use in here... Still, he can't say no.</p><p>Eddie runs his hand down the inside of Buck's leg. It's pleasant, verging on tickling, but never quite crossing over. It would be easy to get lost in, if it weren't for the mystery of what the goal of this is. </p><p>Then Eddie reaches the knees, circling them both from behind and with insane ease, lifting. He leans back against the wall and lowers Buck, slowly and cautiously, legs held apart, onto his dick. It's a strange position, but it doesn't take long before it's clear that it gives them both control. Once Eddie is fully inside, his sides are supporting Buck's legs, hands moving up from the knees to the upper thighs, using them to set their tempo. But thanks to the points of contact between them and how strong Eddie is, how he's capable of holding them both up, Buck can also squeeze his legs together and, taking advantage of that as leverage, to modify the movements as he sees fit, to ride the cock inside him in the way that pleases him. </p><p>Soon enough, they find a joint rhythm and Buck's hands on Eddie's shoulders are free to travel, to run through his wet hair, to hold onto his nape.</p><p>Some water droplets splash off them while others cling to them almost as much as they do to each other. It's necessitated by the position, of course, but it's not only that. </p><p>There's a new joy in discovering how coordinated they are, here as in the field. Like when Eddie leans in and sucks on Buck's nipples. It's heavenly and causes him to bury his moans by capturing the wet skin of Eddie's temple with his lips. There's no spot where they're not connected. Buck's member is caught between them, stroked each time they move against each other, his insides are full, his thighs are gripping Eddie, his hands cling on, everything that's happening between them is telling him that this is just the beginning of his most secretive dreams coming true and when Buck comes, shooting between them, his semen only there briefly before the stream washes it away, he's sure it's more to do with that idea than with just getting fucked. It's oddly the most intense and serene orgasm he's ever had and his ass is squeezing down on it in an attempt to make it last. That's when Eddie loses it, too. He lifts and slams him down a couple more times before he's filling Buck even more.

</p>
<p>They're both trembling, but Eddie doesn't slip, doesn't drop him. Instead, he puts Buck down gently and makes sure he's ok. Washes off whatever cum has dripped out and pulls him into a kiss. Leads him out of the shower and into a huge, soft towel he uses to wrap around them and dry both off. Notices Buck is sleepy when he tries to mumble, 'Chris', and Eddie chuckles in response, "Don't worry. I've got him, too." He sees how the fatigue from the fire earlier and their sex is getting to Buck, so like the ridiculously wonderful man that he is, Eddie picks him up, carrying and laying him down to sleep.

</p>
<p>When he opens his eyes, unsure how long later, for a split second he knows with a horrible certainty that it was all a dream. His stomach contracts with dread at the thought.</p><p>But then he blinks and realizes he's not waking up on the living room couch. Buck's in Eddie's bed. The sheets might smell like him, but it's hard to tell over the scent coming from him when his arms are wrapped around Buck. He turns and is faced with the sight of a sleeping Eddie, hair disheveled, eyelashes resting against his cheeks. He looks like a dream, but the heat of his body, the slight snore that occasionally shakes a few strands of his hair, are beautifully physical. Buck could watch him like this for hours. He probably won't. They have to tell Christopher. It's only right that Eddie take the lead on that, but he'd be here to support him. Buck is going to get to be here for all the little and big moments with Chris, for every instance of watching Eddie put all of his heart into parenting as best as he can and helping him with that. Buck couldn't ask for a better scenario to wake up to. Eddie was right. This is real.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Kudos and comments are beautiful, and please feel free to also send me feedback, prompts, questions, anything at <a href="https://matan4il.tumblr.com/">my Tumblr</a>!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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